"He made darkness His secret place..." (Psalm 18:11)
I can't pretend to understand the suffering you're experiencing. And if do it right, I don't have to. Pretend, that is.
"Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to Him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator." (1 Peter 4:19) That gets right down to it. Starting way back when, with God as Creator, and then following His vein to where we find ourselves with reference to Him is one of—if not the key journeys of our existence. Many people want to find themselves. But God says He'll give you to yourself. That's what He promised Baruch: "thy life will I give unto thee for a prey..." (Jeremiah 45:5)
As an aside, this reminds me of Jesus instructions for fasting: "But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly." (Matthew 6:18, emphasis mine)
When God calls us to go through a period of deprivation, depletion, depression, et cetera, there's a right way and also a wrong way to do it. And please don't mistake my self-assertion for pride. Jesus is the one who is doing these things through us, but there's also the sense of "life ownership" that He gives. All that aside, when we find ourselves in a cave with no light, wondering how we got there, it's best to sit and wait. Waiting on the Lord is the surest sign that we want God's will to come of the period of suffering, as opposed to just what we can get out of it.
"Thou makest darkness, and it is night: wherein all the beasts of the forest do creep forth. The young lions roar after their prey, and seek their meat from God. The sun ariseth, they gather themselves together, and lay them down in their dens." (Psalm 104:20-22) God will provide for you, don't doubt. But there may well be deeper depths that He has for you to go...
Stalactites and stalagmites are conical growths that are found in caves and are formed by the slow, incessant dripping of mineral-rich water. We know this from yesterday. But when they meet and form a pillar, it's called a speleothem. Asaph spoke along those lines: "The earth and all the inhabitants thereof are dissolved: I bear up the pillars of it. Selah." (Psalm 75:3, emphasis mine) You don't get to feel that way without invitation. The depth of suffering that brings so great weight is truly a privilege. I have felt that for my life. Like I'm holding up everything with my two arms and the world is falling apart and crashing around me. The truth is, Jesus was (is) there with me. And this is where the "selah" comes in. It essentially means to "sit and wait". With your attention of God, that is. And that is the point of suffering, of doing it right. God is in secret. Jesus said it Himself. The deeper you go with Him and the further down in the "dens and caves of the earth" you explore with Jesus holding your hand, the more that God will let you see sides of Him that only Jesus sees.
"The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him; and He will shew them His covenant." (Psalm 25:14)