A Brief History of Patriotball

A page from your future U.S. History textbook:

    It was around this time, around fifty years into it, that the last level was achieved once again by a team bearing the symbol of an outmoded patriotism. They went on to win that level and so established themselves as the final boss of what had been unofficially known up until then as “America’s Game.” Any team was then free to challenge the Patriots—who themselves had come to be known as “The Final Boss of Football”—and so beat that game. But alas, to no avail. The cycle would continue for many years until it was revealed that only American teams were allowed to participate in the game known to Americans as “football.” Americans were outraged as they began to apprehend the truth that they had been playing against themselves the whole time.
    Several decades transpired before the rest of the world realized that the United States had co-opted the name “football” and in an unprecedented audit, The International Sports Committee determined that more feet were involved in what Americans called “soccer” than in what was known as “football.” The rest of the world already termed their version of soccer “football” and had been doing so for an indeterminate period of time. The ISC continued to rule in favor of the rest of the world and so stripped the name “football” from the United States Sports Regulation and gave it to the rest of the world to refer exclusively to what was formerly known as “soccer.” Furthermore, the committee renamed American football “Patriotball” in honor of both the founding of the nation and also the erstwhile final boss of the sport.

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